Distorted Dialogues
by JolieFille
Summary: Distorted Dialogues: The Quips, Double Entendres, and Other Reckless Conversations of a One Sirius Black


Author's Note: _This was just going to be a quick and silly one-shot, but I don't think I gave it a proper ending, so I think i'm going to add on another chapter or two and leave it as a short story. A short-short story, really. This chapter is incredibly short, and I'm sorry for that...but I just didn't feel like expanding further at this point. Well, in any case, hope you enjoy. :)_

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Distorted Dialogues: The Quips, Double Entendres, and Other Reckless Conversations of a One Sirius Black.

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Chapter One: Infantile Interviews

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"You know you loved it. Admit it."

"I will do no such thing."

I rolled my eyes as I fell back in my seat in the Gryffindor common room next to Remus Lupin—bookworm by day, werewolf by night, chief of prudes, friend to all. I had charmed Lola Martin's skirt into fanning up a bit to give us all a little peak at her knickers. I don't know why little old Moony had to be so grievous about it. It's not like Lola would have refused if we had just gone and asked her if we could see her underpants. (Yes, she was _that _kind of woman.) Especially for Moony, the boy she currently fancied. And I don't quite understand why he shielded his eyes when it happened. It's not exactly secret that our precious prude Lupin wants to take Lola and her skirt out on a date. They like each other, and they know it. Moony's just shy though about asking girls out, and Lola's just…Lola. She doesn't mind being sexually harassed by her crush's friends.

"She's got a good bum." I said as I cleaned the tip of my wand.

"Oh, really now." Remus muttered as he hid himself behind a book.

"What? She does!"

I fell silent and stared at Remus, who was concentrating very hard on his History of Magic text. I leaned over so my head fell on Remus's shoulder.

As I snuggled into it, I whispered, "It wasn't your first time seeing her knickers, was it?"

"_Padfoot_!" Remus hissed, shaking me off.

"You dog!" I sniggered.

"I have _not_ seen Lola's knickers before. The unfortunate incident that took place a few minutes ago was my first time seeing them. Now be quiet."

"Oh, so you saw them? I thought you weren't looking…" I said innocently, pouting at Remus.

Remus glanced at me for a moment, shut his book, and stood up.

"Moony?"

He began heading towards the dormitory.

"Moony old boy?" I called louder, climbing over the back of the sofa and reaching out to his retreating figure as other students looked on with mild amusement. "Moony, my friend! Let us not quarrel over such trifling matters as Lola's skirt…we should get—"

He disappeared up the stairs.

"…past that." I finished.

Well, that was fun.

I love Remus Lupin. I know no one who's more enjoyable to irritate. Well, there's Snivellus…but that's done out of pure spite. And he reacts very bitterly, which makes it equally fun in its own rite…but there's just something so damn amusing about ruffling the feathers of someone as proper and respectable as Remus. He just doesn't react. Very fond of the stiff upper lip, he is. He's also very fond of tarty girls. And they're fond of him. It's quite weird; it should be investigated or something, and be called _The Moony Paradox_. I suppose it's the whole notion of opposites being attracted to one another. That would probably explain why Remus and I are so close, actually. Well, 'close' probably isn't the best word to use for us. We're not as close as say, Prongs and me. But we have our share of fun together. Well, I have both our shares of fun. I'm not really sure how it goes over with Remus…I reckon he has some fun with me, as he hasn't dumped me yet. Not that he ever would…he's too nice to ever dump me.

Look at me, babbling on about Remus as if he were my boyfriend.

Actually, when I think about it, if I were gay, I would probably be attracted to Remus. He would make a nice boyfriend. Oh God. I'm doing it again. I need to go find a girl to snog or something…

* * *

"Desdemona! Fancy seeing you here!"

Desdemona Smith glanced up from her cauldron and grimaced. God, I love it when she does that. "Well, seeing as how we're in the same class…"

I plopped into the seat next to her and glanced back at the clock that hung in the back of the room. Professor Slughorn would be here in a few minutes. Plenty of time to do some damage…

"What are you doing?" I asked, glancing over Desdemona's shoulder at the potion she was brewing. "Class hasn't even started yet and you're already getting ready to kiss up?"

I let out a grunt as she elbowed me out of her way. "This is the potion we were working on the other day…it's in its final stages of fermenting. We were going to test them out today, remember?"

"No."

"Figures. Nothing works above that scrawny neck of yours."

"My neck isn't scrawny!"

"Please."

"It's…burly! Fit for a burly young chap like myself!" I retorted, pulling my stool closer to hers. "Honestly. Try strangling me…bet you won't be able to, it's so tough."

"How unfortunate." Desdemona replied, brushing a lock of her curly brown hair out of her face. "Would you mind getting out of the way now? It's kind of hard to concentrate on stirring this potion with precision if your annoying existence is in the vicinity."

I wiggled my eyebrows at her and dropped my voice to a whisper. "Really? How hard is it?"

She turned sharply at me, throwing daggers with her eyes. I jumped back a little. I would never admit it to anyone, but I have no doubts in my mind this woman is capable of beating me to a pulp, even without the help of her wand. Naturally though, I couldn't let her think I think she's scary at times. So I grinned and pressed on.

"Want to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You're a moron."

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? I'm in as many advanced classes as you are, love." I said. "In fact, I'm in one more than you are. You didn't make it to Herbology after fifth year."

"I don't really have any interest in plants, Sirius. Well, except maybe for Devil's Snare. A plant like that would come in pretty useful right about now."'

I grinned. "You wound me."

"Good."

"Come on, _date_ me! All the other girls are doing it!"

Desdemona sighed and wheeled around to face me. "Yes, and all the other girls have shit for brains, obviously. I'm not like all the other girls."

"Exactly!" I exclaimed, putting an arm around her, which she immediately slapped away. "You're angrier and bitterer than all the other girls, and I have to tell you I like it. You seem to hate me with such a passion—"

"I don't _seem_, I _do_ hate you with a passion." She said wearily.

"Yes…and see...the key word is 'passion,' my dear." I explained. "Nothing says 'hot, passionate love' like sexual tension, which we have in ample supply. And that's exactly why I feel sooner or later, I'll get to you, and we'll suddenly have this explosively torrid—"

"There's nothing sexual about this tension," Desdemona replied with a sigh. "Now go away or I'll hex you."

"But Desdemona, _darling_—"

"Oi! Sirius!"

I looked up to see James Potter, my other half, my _better_ half, my partner in crime and petty misdemeanors, enter the classroom.

"I believe this mutt belongs to you." Desdemona said as James approached us. "Get him away from me."

James sniggered as he pulled me away from Desdemona's table. "So sorry about that." James apologized, "I didn't mean to leave him unattended…"

"Next time keep him on a leash." Desdemona snapped.

I made a growling noise at her as we passed her to head to the back of the class, where we usually sat. She rolled her eyes at me in response, to which I countered with a wink. Remus used to harass me about the matter of me not having any dignity when I mess with Desdemona as shamelessly as I do. I think he was right. I have no self-respect whatsoever when it came to irritating Desdemona—or anyone for that matter. But the again, there's nothing dignified about giving people a hard time. I mean, if we're talking about being venerable and stately sweater-vest-wearing citizens like Moony, there's not even any room for marauding. And as a marauder, I have a duty to this school. If I am to be the man I want to be, I'm going to have to dispense with dignity every so often. Ah, a perfect argument to throw in Moony's face next time he reproaches me for my misbehaviors! A carefree young marauder like myself doesn't need dignity. Dignity only gets in the way my recklessness. And reckless is what I've grown up to be. And I plan on preserving that reputation I've worked so hard to earn. I will not let Remus John "Moony" Lupin take that away from me with his prudish dignity and decorum. I shall overcome!

Although I'm not exactly certain of what I'm overcoming. Moony's never really set out to tame me. He just reprimands me occasionally, and whines sometimes. Like a girl. Hmm. So maybe he's not boyfriend material. Girlfriend material, perhaps?

Oh bugger. I'm doing it again.


End file.
